You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
