remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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