Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
