He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
