Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
