So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
