I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize