NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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