Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
