listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize