Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize