grandma shit on top of the toilet
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
