My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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