I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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