the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm going to jail i love you
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's just like the Real World with babies
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
