at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
