Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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