I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
