I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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