i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
