Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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