my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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