The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
