there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
