Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
where are you?
Hypothermia
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
