Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize