Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
