Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
