i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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