the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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