tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Randomize
