News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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