so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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