I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
