Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
