my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize