I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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