Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
