saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
