Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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