If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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