I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
