Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
