it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
