Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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