i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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