I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
