I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
