it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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