I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize