last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
