$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
